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Forbes who loves this gal very much

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All these while, i wasn't good enough for her..

Sitting by the bed. Quiet and peaceful.. The colour of darkness, rotation of the fan and her deep breathing. Thoughts just flows through my mind.. It's just a moment that all my troubles went away.. Her sweet and tired expression makes me feel relax, she's safe and trouble won't find her. Taking time to ponder, it's the only place i can feel secure, happy.. Lots have happened, just sorting my feelings out. I will be fine..

The long walk home. Everything seems to be in a mess.. You dont know what hit you. The feeling is like a truckload banging you. So many things in my mind.. There's no one i can talk to. Or in actual fact, there's no one who cares? I've been keeping stuffs in my head. This, that and everything.. And with the recent events, i'm somehow drowned. Not mentioning but just reminding myself about it. It anchors heavily.. I can only depend on myself, i'm always alone with problems. It's not like how u think.. It's not what i wanted. I'm all like this because of that.. You will never know, or best not know. Maybe when the time is right, but time seems to be agaisnt mi.. I hate the seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years. Time doesnt stops, it spoils your day, your plan and the finger is on you. It made mi wasted..

I'm just so imperfect, every bit of me is wrong somehow.. Never really did something that perfect to the eyes of the behlder. i want to grow up.. Seeing my state, i yearn for wisdom. To the point that feelings will just pass and you will be immune to the flesh. That's right, i'm enslaved. I thought i'm able to handle, but i'm broken.. All i want is happiness for the other person, but am i cursed that she has to suffer. It's not fair, it's like things are not meant to be.. Am i trying too hard? Fuck it.. I cant even hold dear to something more important than myself, how can i still be living?

i'm sorry, i am your misery..

It's hard to fathom the uncontentment.. Or purely just unfairness. It's just tough living on it and knowing that at the end of the day you will be disappointed. Miserable. Decrepated. And thinking about it all night long.. You know how haunting it is? Well, now it is the stage where you know you're suffering and hurting but u just accept it and still treat it as nothing. It's an on-going cycle. And i'm always left alone to pick up the pieces.. You only wish for her to feel good but just neglecting how you feel. Don't you agree that it's worth it? I do! And i changed through this.. Maybe i don't understand what i become too? Where are all the feelings? Does it get filtered through until there isn't any left? The thing in life is, the one you love most.. Hurts you most. Or something u want but it will never be yours.. That's how things is. The redundancy of those unfortunate.. You can only watch from a distance that the happiness you want is just before you but out of reach. A poison that brings incompetence, lowliness, estem-less, insecurity.. Understand?

But i dont feel that anymore.. I'll be happy for no matter what. I still love her..

The undying love. She wont notice it anyway..

To the foolish mi:

Life took a turn for itself.. The truth is unravelled and the feelings just spurges out. Took it quite hard, never to recover..

My story is like the OC.. A drama. I can say it's the begining of season 4 and i'm just part of the support character that fades miserably or gets lesser script lines. Not meant to have an air time with the lead actress. No oscars or best supporting actor award for mi. Condolences is all i need. Am i still casting for the next season too? Truly i'm not goodlooking or have what it takes to make it to the A list. Well, i have to make do with that..

Guess, i'll never look back to the past.. Forgive mi, for i cant save myself. Who should?

Sometimes i try to hide what i'm feeling inside, i just can't figure it out. Tell mi why you're so hard to forget, don't remind mi.. i'm not over it. Tell mi why i cant seem to face the truth, i'm really just so not over you. i cant get over it.. I'll never understand.

It's just her.. The way she is and what she does. She has all the attention she wants.. She got everything she can ask for. And what am i? Well, that doesnt matter.. i know what i'm in now and i'll still be who i am.. Because no matter what is to happen, it will never deter mi from loving her. It's just the same usual routine that i have to go through telling myself that i wont give up. Until i know that i really have to.. But, not now..

If only she sees..