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Forbes who loves this gal very much

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Just hear mi talk and you read (=

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Suddenly, i just feel so weak.. i just can't take my mind off you. i need to change my focus.. what can i do then? i got no idea.. forbes is disgrunting, please help him. Why am i a blockhead? i refused to bulge.. i think too much? well, who cares.. u don't even give a damn about mi.

yaya yababuble~

Why isit always there's rejection in life? i've been hearing and going through so much of it that it wears mi down.. tired? hurt? neglected? its simply all of it.. just feel so damn useless. and No, im not suffering from depression or detrimentia.. im just grumbling about the load of insecurities that i have..

im just wasting my life.. drinking, idling and playing. what's my talent and forte? i don't even know. where's the goodness in mi? i have fallen from the past glory into the depths of the abyss.. where's the light that im hoping for and hanging onto? im worshipping too many earthly idolatries and that's my flaw.

my life's so screwed.. its so negative, negative, negative.. myself, relationships and God.

All i ask for is contemption..

hopeless is just the word.. sometimes i really feel helpless, being unable to help or even do anything.. im hopeless because i cant help myself. hopeless because i cant impact others. hopeless because i cant do anything. hopeless because im broke. i'm so screwed!

i just hate the hoildays.. its always this period that uncertainties and insecurities happends. i cant see u everyday, cant hangout with u much and i dont know what will u be doing.. u know what's the difference between pain and torture? pain is not having u and torture is missing u.

i need to get my priorities straight.. im just not good in managing it. i've been spending too much, wasted too much time and also neglecting the close ones in my circle. there's no time for myself.. just feel so so so tired. face reality forbes.

hope u like the 'apple'

a dAmn bad day i had.. of all days, why rain today? spoil my plans.. im utterly disappointed with myself and i hate myself! supposed to give u the best memorable birthday and then came this fag shit.. am i cursed or what? i try so hard to give u the best but reality just flushed it down the drain.. why all this always happends to mi? im totally lost.. when u put all your best and hopes in something, it gets dashed or didnt work out, it just makes u feel so broken.. im broken physically - tired and sick of all the sacrificing, mentally- hopeless thinking and spiritually - GOD at work again.. im just very tired of all this crap. im losing my confidence, self esteem and all kinds of nonsense again. its always like this, suffer suffer, suffer.. who can i turn to? im just a shadow to myself.. a has been. my heart is broken from 1 to 2 to 4 to 8 to 16 to 32 to 64 to 128 to 256 to 512 to 1024 to 2048 all the way until my maths fail mi.. is it so hard to be the person i am? im just living everyday being enslaved by the flesh.. had the flesh got the better of mi?

what u say really struck mi hard.. 'u still dont know mi well?' ya.. i begin to feel so. i cant understand or will ever get to understand u. i know its always been mi liking u and its never the other way round. you are just too complicated.. i tried my utmost best to make u trust and believe mi.. but, u dont.. even during the studying period, i made a trip all the way to ur house to check on you and tell u tips.. u didnt appreciate.. when u say u dont know fmgt, i desperately tried to learn all i could and make the trip to teach u till u know.. all this not enough? what must i do then? you are just making things hard and tough for mi. i dont know if im stupid or what.. i want to prove that you can trust mi. i wanted to get the bear for u, but its ok if u dont want.. i just thought it was sweet and thoughtful.. i know, u got different taste. i shall find something else then..

i really cant stand myself anymore.. things are always affecting mi and i just cant move on or confront it.. the phrase 'u still dont know mi' 'u still dont know mi' 'u still dont know mi' keeps echoing in my head.. im just stab hard. all the while im just doing things to touch and impress u but it is not the mi that impresses u.. i cant feel my heart now, its shrinking smaller and smaller.. where is it? now all gloom and dull..

at the river, lots of stuffs poured through my head.. the droplets that dropped into the water are just mere ripples to that of the vast sea of tears.. thinking of the past, i just dont know how to place it.. i just want u to know that u are very blessed. for mi to like u, know u and be there for u is really very tough.. i've already reached the stage of giving and forsaking everything just for u. it is simply too great to put it in words.. i want u to know that i dont blame u for all this, in fact it is my own choice to take this route..

i just wanna leave the world..

im just thinking.. is there answers? i want to know, i want to know so much.. you asked mi why i didnt walk off? in my heart was like i didnt want that to happend again.. that time was because im just totally upset with myself that i cant control my emotions.. i chose to like u and so, i need to face the consequences.. i just cant get mad over stuffs that im not obligated to. forbes, the choice u chose is what u need to go through and suffer. hUrts all the time~ let mi suffer in silence.

Why can't i, why can't i? i never wanted anything more.. who knew? do u know how i feel? well, u won't.. cause i don't want u to feel what i went through..

when i see that face again, i just can't stop but keep on gazing at it.. i won't forget that look. im just falling into some dream, always building sandcastles in the air.. just to see u sweetens up my life and makes my world more colourful. i just want to live in the virtual world cause when i get back to reality, all i can do is just hope that i spend my time wisely with u.. everything must go sweet and right because i don't want to regret. forbes, living life to the fullest can mean that making everything perfect and that's what i'm good at.. i love doing things to put a smile to ur face (=

so many things to say, don't think its right for mi to say.. enough of all the attention seeking here. i need to have some clear air.. i've stopped drinking not because of what other people say. i stopped because i don't want u to worry.. i will listern to u.

At times i wonder, its just so near but yet so far.. Everything's so nice in place. i really love the look in your eyes.. the way u touch the black and white keys on the piano, the sweet sastisfying look after u play the melody.. i enjoy looking at u. Especially your beautiful smile, so captivating.. i just want to make more songs to have more of such moments with u.. well, forbes u can only enjoy just this much.. when you'r gone, i just felt so empty.. why all the sweet things disappears, why my life suddenly becomes so silent, why are u always on my mind.. anyway, u know its all because of u..

hey there.. wat shall i do now? i got no aim.. im just stuck in this uncanny life. Seems like she has found someone else, i don't know whether its true, im just assuming.. let mi try to be positive, if that guy can bring her happiness, its good enough.. its just better than to see her suffer and forget the past. Maybe we are not meant to be, well, enough of all the painful wait and sporadic instances where i worry for nothing or the mood swings.. if she doesn't want to let mi know, so be it.. i believe she has her own reasons. oUch, its just a blow to my heart.. i just got too much to say.

for some reasons, im just curious who he is? why him and not mi.. well, im not gonna complain.. maybe i think too much. your birthday is coming, i planned lots of wonderful surprises.. but, i dunno whether isit worth? thinking of all the stuffs i'll be doing, i just felt that i should be reserving it for someone else.. im just not certain of things. why am i doing so much? isit just because i like u? i just cant treat u like a friend.. forbes, get a grip.. i must be firm, firm, firm.. cant falter now.. its just something i cant wish, cant hope and cant dream of.. i'll never get u. you will always be someone who have lots of guys showering love at u.. im just visible to your shadow.

i really really want u so much.. the smses i sent are all from the bottom of my heart. i don't know if u know, it just states my feelings now.. well, can't ask much from u. can't force u too. cant hope for u too. OHhhhh.. what u do to mi.. oHhhhh.. what u do to mi..

I feel that everything i do is so wrong.. why like that? am i reading people too much? like to some, it might be a small problem, but the way i see it and act on it, i felt that i've made the situation worst like for my part.. i end up being the one at the worst end. its alright, im okay, i think i cant explain.. argh.. why am i thinking so much, im complicating things up.. oh man.. its so pheumatic sickening. forbes! why u care so much about other people? well, that's mi..

i somehow felt that yesterday's post was unnecessary.. be positive, positive.. aRgh.. why do i bring u into the picture.. i don't want u to know, cause i don't want u to feel bad or at least know how i feel. Best suffer alone. well, see its my wrong again.. i've made people around mi worry.. even my closest pals.. i just felt stupid. people cared for mi, telling mi this and that.. why cant i just listern? forbes, u made ur sis cry for u lah.. stop doing stupid things.. in actual fact, i treat her badly.. sigh.. when i care for people, i also hurt them as much.. well, i think im taken for granted too.

forbes, nice guys always have mishaps and they suffer alot.. am i nice to begin with?

When will this vicious cycle ever end? its been, about a year already.. feeling so insecure, broken and hurt. i always wonder why its still as it is.. i thought it will go away as i put my focus on GOD. i feel even GOD forsakes mi, i desire for his love, for Him to talk to mi, for Him to take the pain away, for Him to prepare my heart but, i don't recieve anything.. During encounter, i was so sad, i wasnt given the ability to speak in tongues. i always wanted to recieve it, i gave my heart to Him but i don't feel it.. i cried out to him but nothing happended. Seems like my emotions blocked him.. i cried at every session, even as i hug daniel, i lament on the past grievances and the bondages i feel that im so incomplete.

Pain? melancholy? unappreciated? words that form half of my dictionary. i resort to temporary measures.. Drink, drink and drink. back to my old ways again.. a glass of vodka, glass of glendivick, glass of bacardi, glass of whisky, glass of chivas and lager.. numbing the pain is ok, but upon seeing u, i feel im happy again, all the curse on earth is lifted.. but, when the countless sms u recieve or calls, my heart sinks.. i feel damn inferior. u are so attractive, countless of suitors after u. im just, a nobody not blessed with good looks to suit u. sad man.. im after ur heart, can't u see? even when u promise mi not to communicate with him anymore, u still when back to him.. i just kept quiet. For that 1 week i didnt talk to u, i was cursing myself.. Why cant i replace him, what i did for u can never move u the way he did? He treat u so badly but u still love him, i treat u so good and u didnt have feelings for mi.. i feel so inferior. all the while, i have been there for u.. i helped u with rachew, with aloy, with him initially and then shihui and rachel. All i ask was u to be happy, but u didnt seem so. At times, u felt moody i tried my best to cheer u up. i made myself stupid and do silly stuffs but in the end, i either got scoulding or made u even more angry. End of the day, its always mi the one suffering. its just hard being mi.. u know how i feel? haix.. forbes forbes, just shut up and dont care! i feel like reaping out my heart! but my heart is already with u..

Sometimes, i just feel so stupid.. like yesterday, that guy ask u for number.. my heart already boiling, almost lost control.. my heart still pumping vigorously even after i went to eat. why should i feel like this? im not ur bf also. Bloody shit, if not i punch him till his balls crush man! i also know ur freshie likes u, that's why that time u ask mi to watch movie with them together, i don't feel like. i felt very jealous that u went out with them and start becoming abit distant from mi. Haix, im turning so possesive. somemore, amabel told mi something bad about them.. best, i don't say.

bday bday bday!!! i expected too much from her. Just felt idiotic for being a jerk, the shirt man! its nice, but exactly not what i wanted from her.. its ok, when u expect too much, it just make ur day worst.. thinking of what i wan from her makes mi feel like a bastard.. I WANT U!!! waited so long for this day.. oh come on, the signs she's been dropping is clear enough. Friends. nothing more?

its ok, im alright.. i keep telling myself at the end of the day.. when i see her smile, i felt lovestruck again.. Damn it. plus those mesmerising eyes, make ur heart go warm.. thinking about it, i kept thinking of u saying i sweet talk again. sweet talk sweet talk.. am i a flirt? always sweet talk? i just complimenting u on what i feel and its the fact.. i send u msgs that describes ur beauty, ur wonderful company, ur sweet personality and everything i like about u. and there u go 'No lah' even if i sweet talk, u will and only be the one i will say it to.. forbes, being true can be false to another person. nobody trusts u.

Furthermore, u don't trust mi.. have i not done enough to prove to u im different? im sincere to u? im a nice guy? its ok, i know im just not the person u will rely on.. im like them. when u say u appreciate mi in ur heart, i just don't feel it.. im always giving but not recieving. sometimes i wonder, am i just someone that only makes u happy? the reason why i continued piano is so that i can play nicer pieces for u. The songs i sent u are all how i felt, always when im sad, i will start a new one. its nice to hear that u like it alot. Especially the recent ones. How many brain cells, sleepless nights and headaches i got? all for the sake of that smile.. that smile so wonderful, so sweet, so heartwrenching. woah, im melting. argh~ dreaming again.. dreams are just plain childish, impossible incarnations created by the mind.

just now, i thought dinner will be great... but dunno why after one sms u become so moody, thought u will be eating but u just looked away when i ate. i felt very angry, kill mood.. i just felt shallow. i should be positive, asked whether u are alright, u said ya.. obvious u are not right? so silent. in the end, i was fuming just felt ungentlemen that i on top of being angry, i should have wait with u for ur bus. damn! but, i think u wun want my company too. i've been soul searching and want to ask Are u hiding something from mi? its obvious there's something, just that u don't want to tell mi. its ok, i understand..

its not that im pouring everything out, at times i just want u to know that on top of everything, u are always in my heart.. i still like u alot or should i say even more? well, i wun tell u that cause i know it weren't make a difference in anything. sOrry if i offended u in anyway.. im just being an asshole now. i really don't know how u feel now, i really really want to say i MISS U.. argh crap.. its so ONE-SIDED..