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Forbes who loves this gal very much

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Just hear mi talk and you read (=

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When will this vicious cycle ever end? its been, about a year already.. feeling so insecure, broken and hurt. i always wonder why its still as it is.. i thought it will go away as i put my focus on GOD. i feel even GOD forsakes mi, i desire for his love, for Him to talk to mi, for Him to take the pain away, for Him to prepare my heart but, i don't recieve anything.. During encounter, i was so sad, i wasnt given the ability to speak in tongues. i always wanted to recieve it, i gave my heart to Him but i don't feel it.. i cried out to him but nothing happended. Seems like my emotions blocked him.. i cried at every session, even as i hug daniel, i lament on the past grievances and the bondages i feel that im so incomplete.

Pain? melancholy? unappreciated? words that form half of my dictionary. i resort to temporary measures.. Drink, drink and drink. back to my old ways again.. a glass of vodka, glass of glendivick, glass of bacardi, glass of whisky, glass of chivas and lager.. numbing the pain is ok, but upon seeing u, i feel im happy again, all the curse on earth is lifted.. but, when the countless sms u recieve or calls, my heart sinks.. i feel damn inferior. u are so attractive, countless of suitors after u. im just, a nobody not blessed with good looks to suit u. sad man.. im after ur heart, can't u see? even when u promise mi not to communicate with him anymore, u still when back to him.. i just kept quiet. For that 1 week i didnt talk to u, i was cursing myself.. Why cant i replace him, what i did for u can never move u the way he did? He treat u so badly but u still love him, i treat u so good and u didnt have feelings for mi.. i feel so inferior. all the while, i have been there for u.. i helped u with rachew, with aloy, with him initially and then shihui and rachel. All i ask was u to be happy, but u didnt seem so. At times, u felt moody i tried my best to cheer u up. i made myself stupid and do silly stuffs but in the end, i either got scoulding or made u even more angry. End of the day, its always mi the one suffering. its just hard being mi.. u know how i feel? haix.. forbes forbes, just shut up and dont care! i feel like reaping out my heart! but my heart is already with u..

Sometimes, i just feel so stupid.. like yesterday, that guy ask u for number.. my heart already boiling, almost lost control.. my heart still pumping vigorously even after i went to eat. why should i feel like this? im not ur bf also. Bloody shit, if not i punch him till his balls crush man! i also know ur freshie likes u, that's why that time u ask mi to watch movie with them together, i don't feel like. i felt very jealous that u went out with them and start becoming abit distant from mi. Haix, im turning so possesive. somemore, amabel told mi something bad about them.. best, i don't say.

bday bday bday!!! i expected too much from her. Just felt idiotic for being a jerk, the shirt man! its nice, but exactly not what i wanted from her.. its ok, when u expect too much, it just make ur day worst.. thinking of what i wan from her makes mi feel like a bastard.. I WANT U!!! waited so long for this day.. oh come on, the signs she's been dropping is clear enough. Friends. nothing more?

its ok, im alright.. i keep telling myself at the end of the day.. when i see her smile, i felt lovestruck again.. Damn it. plus those mesmerising eyes, make ur heart go warm.. thinking about it, i kept thinking of u saying i sweet talk again. sweet talk sweet talk.. am i a flirt? always sweet talk? i just complimenting u on what i feel and its the fact.. i send u msgs that describes ur beauty, ur wonderful company, ur sweet personality and everything i like about u. and there u go 'No lah' even if i sweet talk, u will and only be the one i will say it to.. forbes, being true can be false to another person. nobody trusts u.

Furthermore, u don't trust mi.. have i not done enough to prove to u im different? im sincere to u? im a nice guy? its ok, i know im just not the person u will rely on.. im like them. when u say u appreciate mi in ur heart, i just don't feel it.. im always giving but not recieving. sometimes i wonder, am i just someone that only makes u happy? the reason why i continued piano is so that i can play nicer pieces for u. The songs i sent u are all how i felt, always when im sad, i will start a new one. its nice to hear that u like it alot. Especially the recent ones. How many brain cells, sleepless nights and headaches i got? all for the sake of that smile.. that smile so wonderful, so sweet, so heartwrenching. woah, im melting. argh~ dreaming again.. dreams are just plain childish, impossible incarnations created by the mind.

just now, i thought dinner will be great... but dunno why after one sms u become so moody, thought u will be eating but u just looked away when i ate. i felt very angry, kill mood.. i just felt shallow. i should be positive, asked whether u are alright, u said ya.. obvious u are not right? so silent. in the end, i was fuming just felt ungentlemen that i on top of being angry, i should have wait with u for ur bus. damn! but, i think u wun want my company too. i've been soul searching and want to ask Are u hiding something from mi? its obvious there's something, just that u don't want to tell mi. its ok, i understand..

its not that im pouring everything out, at times i just want u to know that on top of everything, u are always in my heart.. i still like u alot or should i say even more? well, i wun tell u that cause i know it weren't make a difference in anything. sOrry if i offended u in anyway.. im just being an asshole now. i really don't know how u feel now, i really really want to say i MISS U.. argh crap.. its so ONE-SIDED..